The Neighborhood Security Administration
A Division of
The Department of Homeland Security
“Cooperation Is Patriotic and Patriotism Is Required.”
Date: 24 December 2014
To: Citizen-Patriots of 1500 block of Woolly Lane
Subject: Random home inspections of 18 December 2014 and subsequent disruptive behavior of four unpatriotic and now relocated citizens.
Method of delivery of this notice: Door postings on individual domiciles, loudspeakers on Neighborhood Security Administration (N.S.A.) patrol vehicles and The Homeland Security Channel’s “Patriots’ Hour.”
Draw near and give attention to this official notice. Silence is required. Disable all audio-visual devices, to include but not limited to smartphones and iPod implants. Members of the Department of Homeland Security’s True Patriots Auxillary among you will be observing your behavior during accessing of this notice. Any foot-tapping, humming or smiling will serve as an indication that unauthorized entertainment is being accessed thereby diverting attention from this notice. Such disrespect is punishable by law. See: Inattention Act of 2013.
Note the exception to the prohibition against foot-tapping: President Palin encourages foot-tapping during the singing of our national anthem, heard prior to all government announcements. President Palin further invites you to sing along with her but not so loud that her voice is not heard. Members of the True Patriots Auxillary among you will be listening to your singing in order to assure that your voice is not louder than the voice of President Palin. Also note that any smiling, smirking or other facial display during her singing is punishable by law. See: All sections and sub-sections of Anti-Elitist Act of 2013.
Authority for random inspections: The Super Patriot Act of 2012
From the Preamble:
1. The protection of our country against enemies both foreign and domestic requires that all citizens’ homes be subject to unannounced and random inspections.
2. The protection of our country further requires that the person of all citizens be subject to unannouced and random inspections.
3. Inspections referenced above include but are not limited to, all rooms of said homes, all storage areas of said homes and all body cavities of the citizen-patriot dwellers of said homes.
4. Officers of the Neighborhood Securitity Administration (NSA) are authorized to search all homes and body cavities for explosive devices to include but not limited to plastic explosives, bombs, missiles, rocket propelled grenades (RPGs) and drone aircraft.
5. Officers of the NSA are authorized to search all body cavities of citizen-patriots to include but not limited to rectums, penises, vaginas, ear canals, nostrils and mouths, to include but not limited to lips, gums, tongue and teeth at which time any fillings may be removed to facilitate the search for explosive devices.
On 18 December 2014 at approximately 1800 hours, three Neighborhood Security Administration patrol vehicles were seized by four masked individuals wearing tee-shirts that read “Hands Off: NSA” and “Elitist and Proud.” NSA personnel who were occupants of seized vehicles were stripped of their uniforms, secured with duct tape and held captive in the garage of a domicile at 1512 Woolly Lane. In said garage they were subject to torture in form of forced viewing of speeches by Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi and Lady Gaga.Psychiatric staff at Walter Reed where personnel were transported subsequent to their release report that at least one of the NSA personnel, identified only as "Fang," suffered irreparable psychiatric damage.
The perpetrators of said kidnapping and duct-taping then accessed the sound system on one of the commandeered NSA vehicles and played Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Going To Take It” at a high and unauthorized volume. It should be noted that any volume louder than President Palin’s singing of our national anthem is considered unauthorized.
The perpetrators then formed an unauthorized chorus line in violation of Real Family Values Act of 2013 and danced the full length of Woolly Lane stopping only at the garage at 1512 Woolly Lane where NSA personnel were held captive. At which time the captive NSA personnel were “mooned” as the perpetrators sang in unison with the group known as Twisted Sister, the phrases, “We’re not going to take it; no, we ain’t going to take it; we’re not going to take it anymore; we’ve got the right to choose it; there ain’t no way we’ll lose it…” Perpetrators were eventually captured by military units once known as “elite” before enactment of Nomenclature Cleansing Act of 2012 and transported to an internment camp where they are currently being re-educated.
Your street is once again safe for citizen-patriots.